Some years ago, my family disconnected from other toxic family members. Not just immediate family, but cousins and aunts.
When I found out my sister was diagnosed with cancer, I spoke at length with our parish priest and wife. Tentatively, the consensus was to reach out. Long story short, when she died almost eight months later, we were told not to attend the funeral because I never reached out. Her husband knew I did but neglected to mention that to anyone.
I loved My dad but he moved away because of alcohol addiction, He died when I was 10. It's been 4 years and I've never stopped feeling a crushing pain every time I see another person with a father, No matter what don't kill yourself.
Some adult children cut contact when they can no longer manipulate the parents. It goes both ways. I'm totally in agreement with protecting oneself. But it's not always the parent.
having parents is one thing and yes they can be strict and controlling and always tell u the same things over and over again But its really for their child's benefit, And then having narcissistic parents is a whole different thing, to the untrained eye and brain it seems like the parents are really concerned for their child But they really aren't, if the narc parent thought it would elevate their status amongst other people and people would compliment them and tell them they very right for doing what ever they are doing, they could kill their own child because theres no attachment to the child in the 1st place
People talk way more than they listen. Not the same case, but my father died recently, and I'll never forget how a bunch of uncles and aunts I couldn't recognise were telling ME how such a great father he was… Man, maybe he was a great brother, but I'm the only one who should talk about him as a father.
my dad lied about having cancer just so my mom wouldnt want to seperate from him when i was 12. 6 months prior we burried my grandfather who died of lungcancer. havent spoken to him for 24 years.
Your first obligation is to protect yourself from your toxic parent. The others just don’t get it how scarred for life one is for dealing with that narcissistic parent. Even if you have no contact for 10 years, you can’t help but think about their meanness and cruelty. You did the right thing by no contact. Why allow that miserable person to make you sick?
My adult child chose to go no contact with me. It's awful. She never had any loyalty to me and I did do my absolute best…but did struggle with migraines and depression but always provided for and respected her. I finally took my kids to Disney World. One day my daughter was offended by everyone and everything and was picking on me in front of my son and I left and went back to the hotel. I also was a bit afraid she would do something like that because she did pretty much same thing in front of people on vacation 2 years earlier at Mackinaw Island. I felt so bad. She was always very hard on me…the dad's side was rich and has always looked down on me. I've always supported her. Raised her until she chose her rich family. I'm a nurse. My salary has gone up over pandemic. Daughter 29, son 17. I still don't deserve to be belittled in front of others.
So with all the trauma that parents seem to cause. Who is keeping score? Who is it that validates too much childhood trauma? All parents make mistakes, some far worse than others. Yet many of those worse parents still have kids that will occasionally speak to them. So should there be an arbitrator that decides which kids were too traumatized? When a parent does fairly good by their kids and they still dismiss the parents, what’s the cause then? Fact is, as kids we judge the hell out of our parents. They owe us a good beginning and some knowledge to carry on. But do the kids get off free of any responsibility??
I walked away from my whole family for thirty years.They called when my mother died and expected me to come for her wake and funeral. Told them sorryI was not coming and they wanted to know what to tell people. Told them to just tell them what they have been saying the last thirty years. Didn't go and have never regretted it.
If you have both parents and have a not bad relationship I think we really need to be grateful for that and not takeing is for granted how great that situation is
I don’t know you personally. All I can say is that you will have to live with yourself and choices that you have made. You are the only one who knows what really happened.
Never understood the "I know they were a bad person, but you can't NOT see them before they die and forgive them." Why? Did they earn it? Did they repent when it mattered? Did they reach out to me to try and reconcile? No for all of them. I don't need to forgive them if I don't mean it. Just like how I don't say I love you if I don't mean it, I don't apologize if I don't mean it, and I certainly don't forgive people if I don't mean it. If they think they're not a bad person, what do they need my forgiveness for? To be at peace with themselves? Give me a break
You become the scapegoat and scapegoats get the dump of all the family ills and dysfunctions and blame because they cannot possibly look at their harmful or neglectful behaviors. Thankfully you are out and they have proven who they are, a family system of abuse.
My father died when i was 20. If he hadn't, i was going to go no contact. That was my plan when i was about 10. My mother still makes excuses for him. I have as little to do with her as possible.
Look, ultimately, the decision is 100% up to you and NO ONE else. When is enough, enough when it comes to abuse? It’s about the victim and what they’re comfortable with – NOT the abuser. They shoulda thought of that a long time ago. Believe me, I can absolutely understand why people don’t show up for their parent in the end, however, in my case, I ended up being there for my father day & night for his last 3 months. I slept in hospitals, nursing homes and held his hand while he passed but you know what? I did that because that’s who I am, not who he was.
I didn't have a relationship with my mother for the last 10+ years of her life. Everyone said I'd regret it when she died. When she died, I only felt RELIEF! It was like, "NOW, it's over."
I don’t plan on goin to either parents funeral. I have minimal contact with both of them and it feels good to get away. I have zero contact with extended family and zero contact with my brother as well who was abusive.
My brother went a bit nuts, understandably, when my parents stole the house right under him and his family. He hasn’t spoken to my parents in a decade. And now I’ve lost any benefit of speaking with them myself.
As the parent of adult children, I am 100% clear that it is my responsibility to nurture a close and loving relationship with my children. Respect their boundaries, support their decisions, respect their partner, not give unsolicited advice, and love their spouse and children as my own. I have great relationships with my kids. I've taken responsibility for the mistakes I made and apologized for the times I hurt them. They understand that I'm human. It's actually quite easy to forgive someone mistakes if they take responsibility for them. Parents always know why their kids go no contact. You can't blame them for not wanting to continue a toxic dynamic.
Some years ago, my family disconnected from other toxic family members. Not just immediate family, but cousins and aunts.
When I found out my sister was diagnosed with cancer, I spoke at length with our parish priest and wife. Tentatively, the consensus was to reach out. Long story short, when she died almost eight months later, we were told not to attend the funeral because I never reached out. Her husband knew I did but neglected to mention that to anyone.
Toxic families are not worth the effort
I loved My dad but he moved away because of alcohol addiction, He died when I was 10. It's been 4 years and I've never stopped feeling a crushing pain every time I see another person with a father, No matter what don't kill yourself.
Well if you were my son I’d wanna forget you too.
Some adult children cut contact when they can no longer manipulate the parents. It goes both ways.
I'm totally in agreement with protecting oneself. But it's not always the parent.
having parents is one thing and yes they can be strict and controlling and always tell u the same things over and over again But its really for their child's benefit, And then having narcissistic parents is a whole different thing, to the untrained eye and brain it seems like the parents are really concerned for their child But they really aren't, if the narc parent thought it would elevate their status amongst other people and people would compliment them and tell them they very right for doing what ever they are doing, they could kill their own child because theres no attachment to the child in the 1st place
People talk way more than they listen. Not the same case, but my father died recently, and I'll never forget how a bunch of uncles and aunts I couldn't recognise were telling ME how such a great father he was… Man, maybe he was a great brother, but I'm the only one who should talk about him as a father.
Facts 💯 Truth tellers are the most despised in a family, and the most necessary. I commend you for sharing and for staying true to you. 🙏🏻
my dad lied about having cancer just so my mom wouldnt want to seperate from him when i was 12.
6 months prior we burried my grandfather who died of lungcancer. havent spoken to him for 24 years.
Hmm
💪💪💪💪💪
The scapegoat is always made to feel guilty.
Your first obligation is to protect yourself from your toxic parent. The others just don’t get it how scarred for life one is for dealing with that narcissistic parent. Even if you have no contact for 10 years, you can’t help but think about their meanness and cruelty. You did the right thing by no contact. Why allow that miserable person to make you sick?
My adult child chose to go no contact with me. It's awful. She never had any loyalty to me and I did do my absolute best…but did struggle with migraines and depression but always provided for and respected her. I finally took my kids to Disney World. One day my daughter was offended by everyone and everything and was picking on me in front of my son and I left and went back to the hotel. I also was a bit afraid she would do something like that because she did pretty much same thing in front of people on vacation 2 years earlier at Mackinaw Island. I felt so bad. She was always very hard on me…the dad's side was rich and has always looked down on me. I've always supported her. Raised her until she chose her rich family. I'm a nurse. My salary has gone up over pandemic. Daughter 29, son 17. I still don't deserve to be belittled in front of others.
So with all the trauma that parents seem to cause. Who is keeping score? Who is it that validates too much childhood trauma? All parents make mistakes, some far worse than others. Yet many of those worse parents still have kids that will occasionally speak to them. So should there be an arbitrator that decides which kids were too traumatized? When a parent does fairly good by their kids and they still dismiss the parents, what’s the cause then? Fact is, as kids we judge the hell out of our parents. They owe us a good beginning and some knowledge to carry on. But do the kids get off free of any responsibility??
I walked away from my whole family for thirty years.They called when my mother died and expected me to come for her wake and funeral. Told them sorryI was not coming and they wanted to know what to tell people. Told them to just tell them what they have been saying the last thirty years. Didn't go and have never regretted it.
If you have both parents and have a not bad relationship I think we really need to be grateful for that and not takeing is for granted how great that situation is
I'm 19, and I hate my parents so much
They never do
I don’t know you personally. All I can say is that you will have to live with yourself and choices that you have made. You are the only one who knows what really happened.
Never understood the "I know they were a bad person, but you can't NOT see them before they die and forgive them." Why? Did they earn it? Did they repent when it mattered? Did they reach out to me to try and reconcile? No for all of them. I don't need to forgive them if I don't mean it. Just like how I don't say I love you if I don't mean it, I don't apologize if I don't mean it, and I certainly don't forgive people if I don't mean it. If they think they're not a bad person, what do they need my forgiveness for? To be at peace with themselves? Give me a break
You become the scapegoat and scapegoats get the dump of all the family ills and dysfunctions and blame because they cannot possibly look at their harmful or neglectful behaviors. Thankfully you are out and they have proven who they are, a family system of abuse.
The truth has been told!
My father is abusive, and I'm the truth teller. I'm extremely unpopular because of it
People hate it when you call out their bad behavior
Victim blaming the truth telling child of the toxic family system that suffered at the hands of emotionally immature parents.
True
My father died when i was 20. If he hadn't, i was going to go no contact. That was my plan when i was about 10. My mother still makes excuses for him. I have as little to do with her as possible.
❤❤❤❤
Stay strong….
Now, what if an adult child talks herself into believing lies about her parents.
AMEN!!!
Maybe she was your mother, or maybe he was your father, but it doesn't excuse abuse!
Look, ultimately, the decision is 100% up to you and NO ONE else. When is enough, enough when it comes to abuse? It’s about the victim and what they’re comfortable with – NOT the abuser. They shoulda thought of that a long time ago. Believe me, I can absolutely understand why people don’t show up for their parent in the end, however, in my case, I ended up being there for my father day & night for his last 3 months. I slept in hospitals, nursing homes and held his hand while he passed but you know what? I did that because that’s who I am, not who he was.
Yes I agree sounds like my dad.
I didn't have a relationship with my mother for the last 10+ years of her life. Everyone said I'd regret it when she died. When she died, I only felt RELIEF! It was like, "NOW, it's over."
Yes. Why are we the ones that are the problem when we’re trying to protect ourselves and have a boundary.❤
I can't understand people who side with an abusive parent. Anyone who harms a child without apologizing is a monster and deserves no pity.
🥴😭😭😭
I don’t plan on goin to either parents funeral. I have minimal contact with both of them and it feels good to get away. I have zero contact with extended family and zero contact with my brother as well who was abusive.
My brother went a bit nuts, understandably, when my parents stole the house right under him and his family. He hasn’t spoken to my parents in a decade. And now I’ve lost any benefit of speaking with them myself.
This happens all over the place. Let go and move forward.
As the parent of adult children, I am 100% clear that it is my responsibility to nurture a close and loving relationship with my children. Respect their boundaries, support their decisions, respect their partner, not give unsolicited advice, and love their spouse and children as my own. I have great relationships with my kids. I've taken responsibility for the mistakes I made and apologized for the times I hurt them. They understand that I'm human. It's actually quite easy to forgive someone mistakes if they take responsibility for them. Parents always know why their kids go no contact. You can't blame them for not wanting to continue a toxic dynamic.
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