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How to build resilient children, according to parenting expert Dr. Becky

There is no such thing as a perfect upbringing. This is the deeply relieved viewpoint of Becky Kennedy, also known as Dr. Becky – who sees herself as “a clinical psychologist turned disruptor.” Parenthood Support space,” she says Assets. There are effective Parenthood, however. “And the key to effective parenting … is what I call strong leadership,” she says.

Her model of strong leadership as taught by her coaching company Good insideis about helping parents understand their role and that of their child, and then helping their children develop the skills they need in life. “Not just to improve behavior, but to actually be fully functioning, successful adults,” says the mother of the children, ages 7, 10 and 13.

An important aspect of this type of parenting is preparing your child for a resilient, confident and successful future, emphasizes Kennedy. And you do that by “optimizing your child’s long-term resilience,” she says.

Here, Kennedy explains how to maintain this approach in everyday parenting.

Choose your battles wisely

“There are times when I’m optimizing for my children’s short-term happiness,” Kennedy admits. “I’m human and sometimes I think, ‘You know what? Fine, have the ice cream for breakfast.’”

However, she emphasizes that parents have to be “greedy for the long haul” a certain percentage of the time, meaning it’s important to keep your children’s future in mind — and that they’ll likely live away from you for longer than she does will be with you.

“I think the stakes are only going to get higher,” she says. “I also believe that the best gift I can ever give my child is the ability to deal with difficult things – developing skills to cope with life’s challenges and knowing that you can overcome difficult situations. “

Kennedy believes this gives children a “bigger head start in life” than anything else. “Life is hard… And our children don’t get the ability to handle difficult things as a birthday present.” They don’t get it from reading a book. You acquire them by practicing these skills over and over again.”

Avoid constantly fixing everything for your children

Finding difficult situations that can teach your children resilience isn’t the hard part. “You don’t have to include difficult moments – they can’t solve a puzzle, they’re struggling with their math homework, they weren’t invited to the party,” says Kennedy, illustrating how they get to a normal clip. all the time.

The hardest thing, however, is not to interfere and make up for the difficult moments for your children, because you hate it when they fight or get upset.

“If I optimize for short-term comfort, I will fix the situation,” Kennedy says. And by doing this for your child, she says, “you begin to associate the struggle with an immediate solution.” In other words, “your body is saying, ‘I got left out of a party; “My mother threw me a bigger party than this kid’s birthday.” “I can’t solve the mystery; “My dad finished it for me.'” And when you jump in like that, it creates a set of expectations for your child in the world, she explains.

“So many years later, and if this is a pattern, if my child has a delayed flight, my 25-year-old child will call me angrily and expect me to personally rebook him on a different flight and pay money for it Do this because your body is saying, “I have problems and my parents are offering me an immediate solution.”

Instead, consider giving your child a chance to get through the hard part and find their own solution. “It’s so important to learn how to fight. That’s how you find success,” Kennedy says. “The better you can fight – not in a toxic way, but the better you can persevere in a moment of struggle – the more resilient you can be. And so I see that as a guiding principle.”

Here’s how to wire for greater resilience

“I hate things that can’t be done,” says Kennedy. And so she offers two ingredients that can help parents prepare their children for resilience every time they struggle: affirmation and achievement.

By validating, you first acknowledge that your child is upset. And you can do that by just saying, “Oh, that stinks.”

“‘Oh, that stinks’ is the most underused parenting phrase,” she says. “Parents always expect me to say something very sophisticated. “Oh, that stinks. “Oh, that’s the worst,” but he gets the job done.

Next should be the “reflective skills” part. Then say something like, “I know we’ll get through this.” My child can’t do a puzzle. “Oh, you’re right. This puzzle is really tricky. All I know is that if you take a deep breath, you can persevere.’ “That’s what gets a child to have that long-term resilience,” she says, “as opposed to short-term, instant gratification.”

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