This man would have to be someone I don’t know and will never see again. I have researched a plan as follows: 1) Fly to a major coastal city; 2) Hire an escort from a reputable service and have sex with him in a nice hotel; 3) Fly home and get an S.T.I. screen (although I’d obviously have practiced safe sex). I have never been unfaithful to my husband. In fact, I had sex with only two other men before I met him. This desire is definitely not the result of latent hostility for his long-ago indiscretions (I’ve thought it through for several years now), and, according to my husband, I do have two opportunities to even the score with impunity. Nevertheless, I don’t want him to know because I don’t want to hurt him, and it would. I travel frequently, so this trip wouldn’t raise an eyebrow. To be clear, I’m not interested in an open marriage, polyamory or anything along those lines, nor would I use a dating or ‘‘hookup’’ app. Escorts from services whose prices are in the $1,500 range are well vetted, and I don’t feel I’d be sexually exploiting a 35-year-old, willing, well-paid man. What do you think? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
I won’t quibble with your statements of fact or your careful plans. Participants in this slightly niche trade are, to judge from the scholarly literature (not to mention first-person Reddit posts), typically doing what they’re doing for the normal reason people do jobs: They’ve concluded that they can make a decent living this way and they prefer it to other occupations for which they are qualified. There are exceptions, but coercion and exploitation don’t seem to be at the heart of the services you have in mind. Let’s stipulate, further, that you’re able to avoid contracting and sharing any S.T.I.s. from the encounter. (The right precautions would reduce the risks substantially — though, I should point out, not to zero.)
We’re still left with the questions of what you owe yourself, your husband and your marriage. There’s an implication that you’re drawn to this erotic experiment because you’ve had sex with only three men. I realize that the erotic imagination isn’t stanched by statistics, but to go by the available survey data, your three sex partners wouldn’t seem to make you an outlier.
And then — not to put too fine a point on it — the fact that your plans are well laid doesn’t mean that you’ll be. You could be imagining Leo Grande and end up with Deuce Bigalow. If the dalliance is a dud, do you give up or do you try again so you can execute the experiment correctly? On the other hand, if the tryst is transporting, will it really be one and done?
Your strongest argument is that your husband, presumably apologizing for his own infidelities, told you that he wouldn’t blame you if you strayed a couple of times yourself. But that’s not exactly consent: It isn’t the proverbial ‘‘hall pass,’’ granting permission in advance. Instead, it’s a pledge of forgiveness for a wrong.