David writes: My wife says shorts are not pants. I say shorts are pants. Short pants, but pants. I seek an order preventing her from saying or implying that I’m not wearing pants when I’m wearing shorts.
I’m a fake judge, not a fake detective. But based on your email signature, I know you’re a philosophy professor in Boulder, Colo. And so I can deduce two things: 1) That you enjoy devising thought experiments like this to amuse yourself (and perhaps annoy your wife, as an added bonus); and 2) You only own shorts anyway. In any case, I think it’s fair to say that shorts are a category of pants, so you’re not completely wrong. But it sounds to me as if you’re trying to get away with wearing cargo shorts to a funeral or something. And while I’m sure there are many people in Boulder who’d back you, your wife doesn’t, and neither do I. Use precise language. And if you’re at a formal event, cover those calves, Professor Hot Pants.