My father passed away two years ago at the age of 86. He served in the Army for six years in the 1950s and was buried with full military honors. Although my father would occasionally tell stories about his time in the service, he never went into detail about it and kept no records from that time. It wasn’t until about 25 years ago that my brothers and I found out that my father had a son, who was later given up for adoption, while he was stationed in England. This was before he married my mother, and this knowledge only surfaced when my half-sister searched for her biological parents.
After my father’s death, I began managing my mother’s finances and realized that my father never applied for a veteran’s pension. Hoping my mother might qualify for a widow’s pension, I started the application, which required requesting her discharge papers from the National Archives. I was surprised to learn that he was discharged from the military under less than honorable conditions and therefore was not entitled to pension benefits.
Even more troubling, the reason given was “homosexual tendencies.” This revelation contradicts many of the things I know (or thought I knew) about my father. I’m sure I’m the only one in the family who is aware of his discharge status.
My mother is 80 years old and in poor health. I have decided not to tell you what I have learned; I don’t see any possible benefit at this point in her life. But should I share this revelation with my immediate siblings after my mother has passed away? If the situation were reversed, I would like to know. — Name withheld
From the ethical:
In September 2021, the Department of Veterans Affairs made it clear that service members who were discharged due to their sexual orientation should be considered veterans and may be eligible for various associated benefits. If you are the legal representative of your father, you can also request a “discharge update.” But the terms of your father’s separation don’t tell you much about him. Perhaps the accusation was without foundation. Maybe he was bisexual; he had a long marriage to your mother, and he is the son he had while stationed in England.
Either way, his dismissal was unfair. Since you’ll probably never have conclusive evidence about his sexuality, the only sure thing you can tell your siblings is what’s written on that paperwork. I see no reason not to share that with them, while I discourage them from taking it at face value and making unsubstantiated assumptions about your marriage.
Not knowing your mother, I won’t hesitate in your decision not to tell her. Maybe he knows a lot more about your father than you think. Or maybe what you’ve learned would surprise him and he wouldn’t know what to do with it. Generally, people have a right to the truth about important matters in their lives. But what you have here is a piece of information whose significance is difficult to assess. In the meantime, try to secure any veteran survivor benefits owed to your mother.
one extra question
My partner and I recently moved to the ground floor of a duplex. The couple who lives above us frequently drink to excess and have very loud arguments in the middle of the night. These episodes involve yelling, throwing things, and knocking over furniture. This obviously affects our ability to sleep and enjoy a peaceful living environment. We have tried asking them to stop, but they either deny that anything is going on or make counter-accusations that are neither fair nor true. We are in communication with the property management company to find a solution, but when the neighbors found out that we filed a noise complaint, they became enraged and sent us vaguely threatening text messages.
My main dilemma is this: sometimes it seems that the man is physically abusing the woman. One time we clearly heard him throw her to the ground as she sobbed and begged him to stop. Do we have to call the police to report it for domestic violence? My partner texted the woman to ask if she was okay or if she needed help, but she brushed it off. I doubt this woman would be honest with the police if she showed up. She seems determined to deny that it’s happening. In addition, we are concerned about possible retaliation. They would assume that we called the police, and appear emotionally unstable and violent. What are our ethical duties in this situation? — Name withheld
From the ethical:
There is a strong case for reporting apparent incidents of physical abuse to the authorities. If something terrible happened to her, you wouldn’t want to have been a bystander. But yes, some aspects of this situation complicate that case. Victims of intimate partner abuse are often inclined to hide the fact, and you have reason to doubt that she would confirm your story if you made a report. Because you are not friendly with these people, your options for intervention are limited, although you may seek further guidance from a local domestic helpline or advocacy organization.
You also have the right to consider your own safety. You might reasonably judge that intervening is unlikely to help the woman above while exposing yourself and your partner to harm. In the meantime, keep a record of these episodes; If the threatening messages you have already received are too vague to take legal action, you can pass them on to the managing company. But having hostile relations with your neighbors in a small building is a recipe for misery, even more so if they are volatile and violent. They don’t have to physically attack you to behave maliciously and in ways that are difficult to prove. You may conclude that your best recourse is to move.
readers respond
Last week’s question was from a reader who checked his wife’s phone and discovered that she had been privately belittling him with her friends and coworkers. He wrote: “My wife’s text messages portray me as a loser and she questions why she has stayed with me, lamenting the burden it has been on her. I’ll point out that our mortgage and mutual bills have been paid for the last six months with the proceeds from the sale of our house when we moved, so my unemployment has caused you zero financial burden. I can’t get over the things she said and the betrayal I feel, and I’m considering asking for a separation. But I’m afraid to bring it up because of her invasion of privacy that led me to discover the texting. What is the ethical path to follow?”
In his response, the ethicist noted: “You made your terrible discovery while violating their privacy. However, the fact that you have wronged her does not deny you the right to complain about what she has been doing. Your sins are not the same. … The specific way that she has been talking bad about you, in fact, hits the core of a marital relationship; she is impugning your character, your value as a person and the value of her marriage. Some very toxic air needs to be cleaned. Apologize for your wrongdoing and ask her if she wants to stay with the slacker she described in those texts. If you don’t bring up the idea of a breakup, she might get ahead of you.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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there are red flags That tells me that the writer isn’t being completely honest in his assessment of the situation. Did he indicate to his wife that he would get a job quickly when they moved? Waiting for the “right” one may not be fair to his family. And his assertion that there is no financial hardship due to the sale of the house is wrong. That money should be joint savings, not a substitute for him to have a job while his wife works. — Marla
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Half of the “earnings” of the sale of the previous house belongs to his wife, and if the author of the letter thinks that spending them is not a financial burden for her, he is very wrong. Wasting these funds for six months while she finds the perfect fit between her skills and a job offer is financially unsound. His wife is right. He’s a bum! Why didn’t he look for a job before moving while he was still in gainful employment? — Frank
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This letter spoke to me, out loud. In my case, I snooped through my husband’s phone and found text messages from a few dozen women thanking him for the sexual hookups and expensive dinners. I finally confronted him and after a while, we got divorced. Snooping is wrong, but I’m glad I figured it out. Do the ends justify the means? Hard to say. — nancy
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There is an old saying that spies rarely hear anything good about themselves, and I’d say it’s just as true for snooping. Spouses are often unfairly harsh on each other when they vent to friends. Clearly better communication is needed, but if the wife has been kind and loving, she may have taken her frustrations out on her friend to keep her relationship civil rather than seek a divorce. — Jennifer
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What is crystal clear is that there is a complete lack of trust in this relationship. Talking bad about your spouse with “mutual” friends is horrible. Reading the text from his wife is also horrible and indicates that he knows that she is dissatisfied in the marriage and was looking for proof. Perhaps this is the catalyst needed to examine her marriage. Either way, you both need to move on. As the ethicist said, he may already have one foot out of the door. — Alison
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