Readers Respond
The previous question was from a recent college graduate who wondered how to deal with a friend’s bad behavior. She wrote:
More than a year ago, a friend and I were part of a small organization at our college that occasionally hosted social events, including an annual gathering that was partly an excuse to throw a big party but was also held to raise money for charity. That year, we chose a charity that seemed particularly relevant in the current political climate and would directly help people in our local community. … My friend took the lead on creating wonderful things for us to sell (in addition to regular donations), and we advertised heavily about the charity we were fund-raising for, which energized everyone to contribute more because of how relevant it felt. All in all, we raised more money than ever. … We trusted my friend to donate the money after the fact. He never did. It has now been more than a year. … I was willing to allow him to pocket the money temporarily with the promise of donating it later. I don’t think he has gotten a job yet, and I think he is extremely depressed, as he has been ghosting me for the last year. … What do I owe my friend and what do I owe everyone who donated? Should I, being fortunate enough to have a well-paying job, suck it up and donate the amount myself? Should I let the friendship die, knowing that he essentially stole from a charitable cause? — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
Your compassion for your friend is admirable, but personal misery isn’t an excuse for robbing a charity. … Tell your former organization what you know, and make sure that whoever runs it now understands it shouldn’t hold a charity event without a real bank account and real accountability. Write to your friend and tell him you expect him to make the donation immediately. If he can’t, he needs to tell you that. And if he keeps ghosting you, refusing to make this right or even to engage with you about it? Then he’s the one ending the friendship, not you. You could go on to report what he did to the authorities, but as you appreciate, that’s a grave step. … Finally, there’s your idea of covering the donation yourself. … Given that you did keep this secret, wrongly condoning a year of nonpayment, I wouldn’t dismiss the idea. For one thing, it’s the only action you can take that’s guaranteed to cover the charity’s loss. If you do choose to do this, tell your friend what you did and why, and leave it to him whether he ever makes it right.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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This is the time to be the bigger person. Your friend did a disreputable thing; however, having not insisted at the time that he make the donation, it’s way too late to right that wrong, especially if his financial situation is as dire as described. Make the donation and know you have done the right thing and been a good friend to someone, who, from this letter, clearly has very few of them. — Linda
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I’ve been involved in two charity organizations at which volunteer treasurers stole funds we worked hard to raise. In both cases, they were repeat offenders. If you don’t act, you enable this person to victimize other charities. At a minimum, you should report it to the college so they can take security steps to prevent it from happening again. But it’s also important to confront your friend, tell him his behavior is criminal and cannot be excused, and that he should make the donation immediately. I worry about his future employment, as he cannot be trusted with other people’s funds. — Wendy
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This was a crime: fraud, theft, whatever you want to call it. He has had plenty of time to ante up, and I would report it to the authorities. Too many people worked too hard and contributed in good faith to let sleeping dogs lie. If he isn’t held accountable now, when will he ever learn about ethical behavior?— Diane
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I couldn’t agree less with the Ethicist’s response. You and your friend are young people, and he has gotten himself in over his head. It would be ruinous to report him to the college and the charity. The ethical thing to do is to make the donation to the charity, and either work out a repayment schedule with your friend or forgive the debt entirely. You sound like an ethical and magnanimous person. Don’t let the Ethicist’s recommendation change that. — Brenda
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If you can reasonably afford it, make the donation yourself. If it hurts a little, it will remind you not to get into a similar situation again. I feel you became morally — if not legally — partially responsible when you covered this up for your friend. — Maureen