A few years ago, my cousin became single after an end to a decades-long marriage. Both he and I are Catholic, and the rules on divorce aren’t as clean-cut as they are under the law. Because my cousin and his ex-wife were married in a Catholic wedding, it means that, as far as the Catholic Church is concerned, my cousin and his ex are still married in the eyes of God.
In recent years, my cousin has found a new partner. He loves her dearly and recently proposed. His fiancée is also Catholic, has never been married and would like to have a Catholic wedding. This normally could not happen, because my cousin is already married to someone. But through a process called annulment, my cousin can petition the church and ask for his marriage to effectively be erased in the eyes of God.
For this to happen, though, he needs to have a witness to corroborate his claims, and he has come to me to help him. The problem is that he was happily married for many years and has three children who can attest to that. I feel that my cousin is not being truthful to himself or his fiancée about his marriage, and to ask me to lie to a priest to retroactively strike a marriage from the record feels like a step too far. Then again, I also care for my cousin and recognize that a Catholic wedding means a lot to him and his fiancée. If he is willing to go through with the annulment, I want to support him in his pursuit of new happiness.
Should I lie so that my cousin can marry? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
The canon law concerning marriage is complex, but the grounds for declaring a marriage null are grounds that existed on your wedding day; a marriage isn’t null because it went bad — it must never have been valid. If you entered into the marriage without committing to your partner unconditionally and for life? That could count as “partial simulation” with respect to the property of marital indissolubility and permanence. The same goes for someone entering into marriage without internally forswearing infidelity, and some Catholic authorities say, in this context, that viewing pornography is equivalent to infidelity. The point is that your cousin might well be able to find grounds that didn’t radically mischaracterize the nature of the marriage.
What’s more, I’m not hearing you say that you’re the only person your cousin could enlist in order to secure an annulment. Your own sense of integrity matters; if you feel uncomfortable providing the testimony he wants, you should stand by your principles. Explain to your cousin that you support his desire to remarry but that you can’t flat-out lie about what you believe to be the nature of his marriage. I expect he could find someone else if he wanted to stick with this story. You might also encourage him to consult with a canon lawyer. It’s not obvious that his new life has to start with a whole-cloth falsification of his previous one.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who was concerned about her son’s hobby. She wrote: “My son is a freshman in high school and has recently become obsessed with Nerf and airsoft guns. He wants to upgrade his arsenal with a new ‘rifle’ for $250. I’m a pacifist and am horrified by his love of playing war with his friends in the neighborhood while there are two actual wars going on in Gaza and Ukraine, not to mention the threat of mass shootings at schools and elsewhere. … At the same time, this game-playing has gotten him and the neighborhood kids outdoors, which, given the lure of screen time and the isolating effects of the pandemic, feels like a gift. … I really don’t want to encourage this type of role-playing, but how do I keep him outdoors and around kids he loves?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “Secular culture, like religious culture, has its totems and taboos. For all of us, objects — a crucifix, a wedding ring, a sports car — take on meanings beyond their physical reality. So it makes sense that, for you, toy guns symbolize the harms you associate with real guns: the desire to exert control over others through intimidation or lethal force, the prospect of injury and death. … Part of what is at stake in your conflict with your son is, as you say, symbolism: Guns are at the center of the great partisan divide in our society. … As this political battle rages, I hope you’ll continue to stand up for your values and continue to explain your views about violence and warfare. Nor should you feel obliged to buy merchandise that fills you with abhorrence. But just as your son’s feelings about real guns are unlikely to be determined by his feelings about fake ones, your feelings about fake guns needn’t be shaped by your feelings about real ones.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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As a child of the ’60s — a time of assassinations, Vietnam, the Cold War — we ran around the neighborhood with toy guns playing spy, war, etc. The phase passed and, to my knowledge, didn’t lead to violence in our adult lives. As the son gets older, the guns and war phase may be replaced by girls and cars. Consider the child’s overall behavior, mental state and level of maturity. If all is well, continue to communicate your views with him and ride it out. However, if I was a parent of a child of color, I would not let him play with a weapon of any sort; it’s too easy for a situation to be misread with devastating consequences. — Julia
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The Ethicist thoroughly researched his answer and made some very good points. It seems to me that a freshman in high school is at or above the age where this interest should begin to fade. I recommend making a deal with the son that if he would engage in some more creative hobbies, the requested present would be forthcoming. If the obsession with guns doesn’t fade soon, then the deal should also include counseling. — Paul
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As a parent of two children who were given real guns (and knives) by their father over my objections, I sympathize with the letter writer. Romanticizing weapons is most likely a contributing factor to the carnage in our schools. There are many great anti-violence groups that could use more support. Perhaps the son could “earn” money to pay for his hobby while volunteering — getting educated and perhaps educating others. — Elizabeth
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When I became a mom and the topic of toy guns on play dates came up, I would offer: “We don’t allow children to playact rape. Why would we would we allow them to playact murder?” No one had anything to say. I believe it is our job as parents to foster the values we believe in for our children and the world. — Chris
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Although I am 85 now, I once was a young mother of a son who at age 5 or 6 wanted me to buy him a gun to play war in the neighborhood. I was totally appalled, and I refused, telling him that a gun was not a toy and that we didn’t play those kinds of games in our family. Needless to say, he found a good substitute so that he could play with his friends: a stick from a tree in the neighborhood that looked like a gun. Today he is 56 and a pacifist, a feminist and an all-around athlete, so “the stick didn’t stick.” — Rachael