There is a woman in our mahjong group of 15 who is now nearly blind and a very slow player. She uses accommodations, such as a card with large print, oversize tiles and a magnifying glass with a light. We’ve all been together for years, but the situation is worsening. Despite these accommodations, she remains agonizingly slow. Her table plays half as many games as the others. Many members refuse to play with her or complain privately afterward. How do we gently tell her she is no longer welcome? We’re kind people; no one wants to hurt her, but we play to relax and challenge ourselves, and this situation no longer allows that. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
A villager puts his infirm father into a basket and starts dragging him off with the intention of abandoning him in the woods. The man’s young son asks him to bring the basket back: “That way, I’ll have it at hand when it’s time to drag you off.” The man is chastened and reverses course.
Such tales are found throughout Asia and beyond. My point, of course, is that the agonizingly slow woman may be you, some years hence. To be sure, mahjong is meant to be fun, and that requires proceeding at a reasonable pace. It’s clearly a problem that your friend is so slow. But the respectful way to address it isn’t to complain behind her back or conspire to eject her; it’s to talk with her. Treat her, in short, as you would want to be treated should you find yourself in her position.
She is presumably coming along, like all of you, for the company as well as the game. You could agree on a time limit for turns, with the understanding that she may sometimes have to sit out the rest of a hand. Other compromises may suggest themselves: Some evenings could allow for slower play; one table could agree to play fewer games; she may have ideas for further accommodations herself. Any workable arrangement, though, begins with being honest with her about the situation. And someday you may be glad that nobody was too quick to reach for the basket.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who felt caught in the middle of a family disagreement. She wrote:
I am one of four adult sisters. Over the years, each of us has developed a somewhat strained relationship with our parents, though to varying degrees. Our parents provided for us materially and were not abusive. Looking back, however, I think there may have been some emotional neglect. … My sisters and I have grown quite different from our parents in our values and outlook. We disagree on politics, religion, abortion, L.G.B.T.Q. rights, money and much else. I remain cordial with my parents, but we are not particularly close. One of my sisters has gone much further and decided to have no contact with them. She has a young daughter, my parents’ only grandchild. The estrangement has been deeply painful for my parents. … My sister, meanwhile, is firm in her decision and wants support from others rather than pressure to reconcile. … Is it ethical simply to maintain separate relationships with each side? Or do I owe something more to my parents, my sister or my niece because I may be one of the few remaining connections among them? — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
Family estrangement of the sort you describe has become sadly familiar over the past decade or so. … Nobody is required to remain in a seriously abusive relationship just because the abuser is a parent. But we should pause at the premise that total, you’re-dead-to-me estrangement (not just keeping your distance) is justified simply because continued contact makes someone less happy. … If you don’t want to be a mediator, that’s your prerogative. … But you do need to tell your sister and your parents that this is your stance. … You’re not going to campaign for reconciliation or carry messages between them. Nor should you pretend that you think your sister’s decision was justified. Still … I’m inclined to think your parents’ grief should be given weight alongside your sister’s grievance. So I don’t believe you would be out of order to ask, just once, if they would all be willing to meet with a family counselor. … You have to live with this estrangement, too, and some of the pain it has caused is yours.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I disagree with the Ethicist on this one. A person can choose to sever ties with someone who makes them less happy. It doesn’t matter if it’s a parent or a stranger. At the end of the day, parents are still just people and you don’t have to be around any person you don’t want to. This seems to be about more than just the fact that the sister was emotionally neglected as a child. She also disagrees with her parents on politics, religion, abortion, L.G.B.T.Q. rights and money. She is raising a young daughter, and she has to protect her from people who have vastly different morals and values than she does. It’s not that parental estrangement has been encouraged in the last decade. It’s that people are learning that relationships with your family don’t have to be lifelong. — Sarah
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Your sister is in the wrong here. By the time she realizes it (when her own kids are older), it may be too late. You need to help her by explaining this to her: Her short-term selfishness, however much her therapist may defend it, is causing your parents great harm. Propose tangible ways to fix it. For example, limited meetings, perhaps once a year. If your sister wants, certain topics can be off-limits. The parents can take it or leave it. They will take it. — Denis
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The letter writer says the parents are sad and confused. Why don’t they understand the estrangement? Maybe if they did, they could take steps to change their behavior to salvage the relationship. My sympathies are with the only grandchild, who is caught up in the drama. — Pepper
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Different children of the same parents can experience their family differently. All of the children may see the same political/religious/cultural differences now, but their responses to those differences will be conditioned by their individual experiences. The letter writer may well be of a temperament that forgives and forgets. The no-contact daughter may see the grandparents as potentially toxic to her child. The writer should nurture her relationship with her sister and niece as individuals, not as a means to an end. Her approach to her parents should be that of a good daughter who, now that she is an adult, can judge old behaviors in a more mature light. — Nick
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I would ask the sister once, in very gentle, noncritical language, if she’d considered therapy as a way to work on the conflicts in their relationship with the parents. If the sister declines to explore that option, do not keep trying, because all that would accomplish would be to further estrange the sister. — Harvey